Thanksgiving: Why I Stare
(November 27, 2008)
For my husband:
I oftentimes find myself staring at him. In the beginning, whenever he would catch me, he'd always ask me, "What?"
To which I always shrugged and responded, "Nothing."
Now, months later, I still find myself staring at him; only he doesn't ask me, "What?" -- trying to figure out what is going on inside my head -- as much. Instead, he just shakes his head and goes about his business.
In all actuality, most of the times "nothing" is the absolute truth. However, there are some times where "nothing" is the furthest thing from the truth.
Usually, when I'm staring, I'm just taking in all the details that make him uniquely him. I study the way his jaw clenches and eases when he's focused on something. I take note of the stubble on his chin that has grown in throughout the day. I trace the contours of his ear with my eyes and wonder how he'd react if I traced them with my tongue. I draw and redraw every detail of him into my mind until what is in my head is as perfect a rendition in memory as he is perfect in reality.
He would never believe that I find him perfect but he is -- perfect for me. It's as if the past 25 plus years of his life he has been living to become perfect for me. Regardless of how he (or anyone else) may feel, he is my ideal. He is perfect and as Tamia sang, "that simply means he is perfect for me."
From the indentation beneath his right eye, on the margin of his lower lid, that was left from a childhood bout with chickenpox to his neatly edged hairline that he gets shaped up weekly at the barber ... he is perfect.
However, it's not just his physical being that I think of (if in fact I'm thinking) when I'm staring. I also recount in my head all of our history and wonder how it is that he and I are sitting in the same space, breathing the same air. I remember times past where he's hurt me and I wonder if I'm being stupid for allowing myself to go down this road with him again. I recall how I trusted him when he told me about her all those years ago only to learn that my trust was poorly placed and I ask myself if this is going to be an instant replay of years before.
Then I remind myself that the he that I behold before my eyes now is not the he that allowed us to get wrapped up in him, me, and she. I tell myself that now, all these years later, the he that stands before me is perfect for me -- because he has spent so many years becoming perfect for me, whether he knows it or not -- Lord knows I need that to be the truth.
It isn't by chance or circumstance that he was brought back into my life and as I look at him, I know, unequivocally, it is divine providence that has made it possible for me to gaze at him again and whatever doubts that may have flitted around inside my head are quieted.
Additionally, as I look at him, I marvel at how fortunate I am to have him in my life. I tell him all the time how amazing he is ... truly. I thank God and his mother and father for the fact that he exists and I ask myself how it is that he is with me. I wonder what I've done in my whole life to be deserving of someone as incredibly phenomenal as he.
Then I realize that I, too, have spent over 25 years of life becoming perfect for him. That once upon a time, I wasn't such a good fit, or maybe I was but the timing was wrong. Timing is a minor detail, but perhaps the most important one of all and now ... now, the timing is perfect. I am happy with myself and I know who I am and who I wish to become and I am wholly complete, and by all appearances, so is he; and together, as wholly complete people, we are perfect for each other.
All the years I have spent learning and growing have brought us and our relationship to fruition. That is not to say, by any means, that we are finished growing -- that we have reached our full potential. Rather, it is to say that we now understand who we are and what we are to become that we can learn and grow and finish our works in progress together.
In looking at him, it is again that I am reminded that this is no accident that our stars have crossed paths again. It is not happenstance but rather cosmic and karmic and destined that he and I are to be together and I say a little prayer and hope that he recognizes the same. I know that there are times in which I think it's too good to be true and I think he feels the same but when I look upon his countenance, I know that it is not too good ... it is just as it is meant to be. And I know that I am in love. Wholly. Completely. Totally. And as I look upon him, staring, as it is, I can only hope that he is in love with me. That what I feel when he holds me, when he looks at me, when he touches me, when he makes love to me, when he talks to me, when he simply breathes with me, is the radiation and reflection of the love I feel for him back.
He is so masculine -- it exudes from him as I am with him. His strength surrounds me and he makes me feel safe and secure and just knowing that he is there makes me feel complete. He is my balance. He is my rock that allows me to be stronger. He makes me better -- makes me want to be better. And in looking at him, I am reassured that he is mine, he is real, and he is there -- that's why I stare.