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Journal of Goodbye

I will never forget how I feel at this moment
I'm not quite sure that I'm still alive
I am supposed to be holding you forever
… Protecting you
Yet, I know in so many ways
I am protecting you…
From a life where you cannot be offered the best
And you my child deserve the very best.

I feel empty
Empty womb
Empty heart
Empty arms.

Sometimes I feel a little bubble in my stomach
And for an instant
I think it is my baby entertaining me again
The realization comes.

You sleep so peacefully now
You will not remember this moment
I shall never forget.

No other will ever replace you
You will always hold a special place in my heart
Your name is inscribed upon it
You are my first born love.

Sometimes a mother must sacrifice
For the sake of her child
Give up her own heart
You are my heart, little one.

Forgive me, my child, for not being what you needed
Know always, that I love you.

Yes, I will see you again soon
But will you remember me
Will you know who I am?

Maybe it is best you forget
Until you are old enough to understand.

I will wait for that understanding, my baby
I will wait forever for your love.

I feel as if I am slowly dying
I am willing to give up my life for you
But I would never take yours.

For this reason, I chose adoption.

Can a woman forget the baby she holds to her breast?
Can she withhold compassion from the child she has borne?
Even if [other] mothers were to forget,
I could never forget you!
Look, I have inscribed your name on my (heart);
Your walls are constantly before me.

-Isaiah 49:15-16

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