Home / Blogs / Kornika's blog
I Am a Birth Mother: The Baring of My Soul
(02 December 2008) On February 1, 2001, after sixteen hours of drug-free, pain-laden labor, I gave birth to a perfect 10 pound, six ounce little boy whom I named Elijah Kristopher Tionne Charles Neak Davis.
Seventeen days later, I placed him in another mother's arms.
I am a birth-mother.
I have been judged.
And I have misled.
But mostly, I have cried.
I am crying now even as I write this.
You see, I was in a crisis pregnancy.
When I found out I was pregnant and told my parents, they disowned me.
Up until the day they dropped me off on Florida State University's campus in front of my dorm room and took my car, my clothes, and all of my other material possessions they paid for (everything I owned) and cut me off from their lives, I did not know what it was like to make it on my own.
Even after they left me, I did not know.
Everyone kept telling me that they would come around. That if I just held on, they would get over their anger and help me.
That did not happen.
I lived a day to day existence solely on the generosity of others.
My roommate at the time, Charlene, fed me.
Some days, I didn't know if I would eat.
What was I going to do?
I couldn't even clothe myself.
I had to go to class in order to keep a roof over my head because that's what my scholarship required.
I no longer had a car and I hadn't worked a day in my life.
There were no grandparents, there were no aunts, there were no siblings, there was no one else but me.
My son's father was absent.
I don't blame him.
He was young too.
If he knew how to "step up," I'm sure he would have.
I was lost.
I was alone.
I did (do) not believe in abortion.
I was faced with the decision of whether to raise this child that I bore inside my womb in a chaotic world of instability and unknowing -- unable to provide for even myself or ...
Or what else, Kornika?
Or do the most painful and difficult thing that I have ever done in my entire life ...
Relinquish him to a better place.
A better life.
I wanted to be selfish.
I wanted to keep him to myself and figure out a way.
But that would have been wrong.
Who would support me?
Who would feed me?
Who would feed us?
Who would clothe us?
Where would we live?
What would we eat?
Would we eat?
I wasn't even eating then.
I only gained 12 pounds from the start of my pregnancy until the end.
I did the only thing that I knew was right.
I found my baby a better life.
I found him a life where I knew he would eat.
Where I knew he would have clothes.
And toys.
And love.
Sure ...
I love him.
But love doesn't pay the bills.
Love doesn't feed hungry bellies.
Love doesn't provide shelter.
Or clothing.
All I had was love.
So I did with it what I knew how.
It hurt.
It still hurts.
Everyday I struggle with whether or not success will be seen as in spite of him.
I wonder if he will be angry that I am doing well.
I wonder if he will think that I am only doing okay because I gave him away.
But I didn't give him away.
I gave him life.
A good life.
Then why am I judged?
I have kept this secret for a very long time.
Because every time I would tell someone, they would judge me.
They would ask, "How could you?"
They would tell me that millions of single mothers make it everyday.
They failed to realize that those mothers had support systems.
They had help.
I had college friends without incomes.
I didn't have a family.
People told me I wasn't a good mother.
I was told I wasn't a "real" woman.
It tore me apart.
It tore me down.
They tore me apart.
They tore me down.
They ripped out my heart ...
Examined it ...
And placed judgment on my decision.
I chose to give life.
I choose to live everyday knowing my child is happy, healthy, and alive.
How can they judge me?
Almost eight years later ...
I am finally willing and ready to tell the world ...
I am not ashamed.
I gave my son life.
And I am proud.
There is more but I cannot see through the tears that brim my lids and carry forth the pain that burns deep in my soul ...
For the decision I made ...
For the fear of judgment to come ...
- Kornika's blog
- 2715 reads
VIA EMAIL 
view feed XML 
Hey Kornika.....glad you're coping with it. As an alumni reader, I remember this story.
You did what YOU thought was right and that's all that matters.
Love ya girly
I just wanted to tell you that I read your story...and I was deeply moved. Giving up your child so that he could have a better life was an incredibly brave but hard thing to do. Even after reading this I can't imagine how tough it's been for you. I also feel bad that you've been judged by people who have no idea how tough it was for you to do that. I can't stand people who do that. It's good to know that you've managed to work through this, and feel ready to share your story.
Rob
dang im very sorry you had to go through that. you did what you thought was best no one has the right to judge you then and now
Thanks for sharing. You did a good thing. I am judging you. Judging you as the selfless and caring person that you are.
*HUGZ*
I agree that you are very selfless. And strong!
I agree that you are very selfless. And strong!
I went through a very similar situation in high school, as I'm sure you remember. The difference was, my parents stood by me and helped me. They made it possible for me to keep my son and to help me provide for him until I finished school and could do it on my own. If they hadn't done that, I wouldn't have been able to do it alone. I am lucky that I had that. There is no place for judgment in your decision. You did what you had to do. You did what was best for your son. Like you said, love doesn't pay the bills. I think you did the most selfless thing for your child, which is what real mothers do. And one day, when he's old enough to understand, he'll think so, too.
I have a very good friend who did exactly what you did her 3rd or 4th year of high school .... it's a tough decision, but it was one she thought was best for the child. She thinks about that child often, but she knows his life was better than what she could provide at that time
Hey Kornika,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have not been in a similar situation but I do appreciate the human experience. I've always been someone who would soak up someone else's experience for no other reason than to feel. I believe these emotions and feelings are what makes us human and I indulge in that.
Thanks again,
Candice
Another alumni reader
This story brung tears to my eyes, but knowing you were willing to do what you did takes lots of guts courage and faith. You had faith your son would be safe, and have a better life without the struggles you suffered at the time. You gave your son, Just like God sent us his son to die for our sins. You have a great heart, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. May God keep blessing you with all he has done in every part of your daily life.
hey kornika,
wow your story moved me in so many ways...im so sorry you had to go through that,but let me tell you it takes a strong woman to do what you did.Giving your son away so he can have a better life is the biggest sacrifice a mother can do for a child. I hope that as he gets older he will appreciate and understand that you only meant well for him.You are a phenomenal woman Kornika and i admire you courage.
Stay Strong :-)
As I sit here reading this, tears stream down my cheeks and I think about the child growing inside of me. I can not phathom the strength you have and had to be able to do what you did. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I KNOW that everything happens for a reason and God will not allow you to go through anything that you can not handle. I think what bothers me most is that there are always people who point fingers and judge, but where were they when you needed support? I commend you for being the best mother you could be. Its sooooo much harder to give life the way you did than to make excuses and take the "easy road." Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for doing what is right.
It warms my soul to know there are people like you who choose life, and who choose to give people the opportunity to be parents when they cannot do it alone. Thankfully, you provided the outlet for over-flowing love to be in the life of your son. Not only with the love of the parents who care for him, but the love of the mother who loved him enough to make the best choice she could make. You're beautiful, and thank you for sharing.
I completely understand, I was only 19 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I had no income, lived in my parents house, had a car that my father bought me. If it wasnt for my parents support, Im not sure where I would be because my daughters father never gave any support and 11yrs later he still doesnt.
I was 17 when I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was because at the time I was back and forth between two guys. I only carried the baby for not even a full 3 months and miscarried :-( My baby's due date was going to be January 31, 2001. I face the pain of never knowing what the baby would have looked like or even if it was going to be a girl or a boy. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to hold your child in your arms and do the most selfless thing of giving him to another woman and entrusting them with him. It was such a hard thing to do but it was the right thing to do. I don't believe in abortion either.
How dare these "women" say that you're not a real woman or that you're a bad mother! It angers me. How many women abort their children and go on with their lives as if nothing has happened? And here you are, you chose to gave your child life and to give your child a better life with another as his mother, but yet you still suffer?
I was 17 when I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was because at the time I was back and forth between two guys. I only carried the baby for not even a full 3 months and miscarried :-( My baby's due date was going to be January 31, 2001. I face the pain of never knowing what the baby would have looked like or even if it was going to be a girl or a boy. I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to hold your child in your arms and do the most selfless thing of giving him to another woman and entrusting them with him. It was such a hard thing to do but it was the right thing to do. I don't believe in abortion either.
How dare these "women" say that you're not a real woman or that you're a bad mother! It angers me. How many women abort their children and go on with their lives as if nothing has happened? And here you are, you chose to gave your child life and to give your child a better life with another as his mother, but yet you still suffer? My prayers go out to you, Kornika. One day your son will know, if doesn't already, how much you truly love him and why you did what you had to do. You're courageous.
I'd certainly never judge you for this. Although I darn well will judge your parents. No offense, I don't know what your relationship is like with them now, but what a couple of A-holes. I completely understand them being disappointed, or upset, but damn. That was cold.
Y'know, I think I recall you making a random comment in a Myspace blog a year ago about having a child that's "gone," or something. And I just assumed that your child had died. So, I guess, knowing this makes it a little better, but I'm sure it's no less heartbreaking.
@ J.R. - I think it would be easier for me if that were the case. There'd be less self-doubt and regret ... I think.
Hugs. I must say what you have written is very beautiful and moving. You are a wonderful person, and you obviously love your baby, and I hope he feels that. My oldest boy is 2 weeks younger than your son. I can only imagine the pain you had to feel giving yours up to someone else, and the courage and realization you had to muster to do so. No one has a right to take away your pride for doing what you did, and those that judge you can stick it.
I had no support while I was pregnant, either, and I am reliving my experience through this blog. It will be two years next month since i placed my daughter, and as I live my day-to-day life, I never forget. I do not know anyone else that has placed, and it is so reassuring to know that I am not alone.
I was a birthmother that did it alone too. My experience was extremely tramatic. When people ask me how I could "give my daughter up" for adoption? I always tell them I never "gave her up", I "placed" her in the loving arms of a family that could provide a better life for her than I was able to at the time. To me a mother is suppose to love her child, and to make sure it has a happy life in a stable home, with clothes, toys, sports, vacations, etc..and that is what I did...and YOU too. So always stand tall and hold your head high. Don't ever let anyones negative words get you down because there is only one judge. You did the hardest yet most selfless act anyone could do. Just like he gave he gave his onle begotten son....Well anyways..I can just keep going on and on how wonderful you are. I have talked for yrs about adoption because so many people are in the dark about it. but I will end this now.. Just remember you are brave, strong, courageous, loving, and never alone.
Bridget
Simoneau says, “Being a Daniel haber Webster Scholar al??veri? gave me confidence in my ability to practice law. More importantly, my employers knew because I was erkek giyim bayan giyim bayan giyim erkek giyim do?al ürünler a Webster Scholar, pet shop I could handle a Supreme Court appeal.” As a Daniel Webster Scholar, giyim he was evaluated each semester by a New Hampshire Bar bilgisayar Examiner, counseled clients under iskenderun supervision, appeared before judges, and developed his skills and judgment in clinical settings. oto aksesuar The program is unique alisveris in the nation.
50% Off for Ed Hardy Clothing,Christian Audigier Clothes,Ed hardy tattoo,Ed Hardy,Christian Audigier,
Ed Hardy Hat,Ed Hardy Shirt,Ed Hardy Hoodies,Ed Hardy
ed hardy
Don Ed Hardy is an American tattoo artist born in Iowa in 1945, and raised in Southern California.
A pupil of Sailor Jerry, Hardy is recognized for incorporating Japanese tattoo aesthetic and technique into his work
ed hardy shoes
cheap ed hardy
ed hardy clothes
Provide high quality silver Tiffany jewellery including necklaces,rings and other style jewelry at wholesale prices.Pick your dreaming
Tiffany jewellery
Tiffany co
Post new comment