kornika.com

(11.08.10)

*big sigh*

I take a big sigh as I sit down to write this because this is ...

What's the word?

Challenging for me to write.

But let me start, nonetheless:

(06.06.07)

In light of the UPI news wire story on Fantasia Barrino being sued by her married boyfriend's wife, I thought I'd re-post my open letter to all the women who have played the part of "the other woman:"

So here I go ...

When I got married, I did it for love and I was convinced that it was going to last forever and ever because I married my best friend and closest confidant -- a man whom I trusted wholeheartedly and who had stood by me at one of lowest points when a lot of other people abandoned me.

And when I got married, I guess I just assumed that marriage was supposed to edify, to kill all of our primal urges, make us safe from the outside world. I was wrong.

(01.09.06)

So today I read this on XXLmag.com ...

My problem is not with backpack rappers. My problem is with hardcore backpack rap fans.

Those dudes kill me. They have to be the most self-righteous Stans under the sun. Let me run down the profile.

You can find these hotheads in the record store copping a holier-than-thou attitude, spitting obscure hip-hop trivia with an almost religious fervor. They are the ones you see in the back of the club, glaring when the DJ drops a 50 joint.

These knuckle-shufflers harbor an obscene amount of nostalgia for a golden era that they were never a part of, and a baffling level of resentment for all that is gangsta and/or flashy and fly. They despise the music industry, without ever having had any contact with it. They romanticize poverty, worship political rappers (who, truth be told, often don't want these guys as fans in the first place), and demonize any artist that doesn't fit into their rigid definition of "real hip-hop." They deliberately ignore anything that calls their limited conception of "real hip-hop" into question. (The Jay-Z/dead prez collabo "Hell

(14.03.07)

I write this to clear my head of thoughts and to cleanse my soul of pain and to make manifest in the clearly tangible form of the written word all of my feelings; and as often occurs, my purging of emotions begins with music because I am always so inextricably tied to the passionate expression of singers, songwriters, and other artists.  I find that sometimes the recorded words of others can more accurately depict thoughts, emotions, and ideas than I am capable of illustrating myself.

In this particular instance, I was cruising down I-85 North doing 80 miles an hours and, having exhausted my CD collection, I decided that I would use the scan button on my stereo to peruse the local radio stations to see what they had to offer in the way of music.  The first station that my stereo antenna was able to pick up was an R&B one that was playing Mariah Carey and Boys II Men's "One Sweet Day." 

Immediately, I was transported to a time and place in my mind and heart that held fragments of a quietly violent past -- both recent and distant -- from the death of my youngest older brother after being removed from life support less than a month ago, to losing my son in a much more dramatic, yet less public way years ago.  As I sat listening to this song,

(16.05.08)

Every so often, I find myself reading the following:

" ... but I still haven't forgiven myself."

What kind of a statement is that? Is it biblical? Psychological? Self-condemning? Self-righteous? Does the Bible tell us to forgive ourselves or to withhold forgiveness from ourselves if we really feel bad about what we did? What does the Bible say about forgiving self?

The Bible has a great deal to say about God forgiving us and us forgiving one another, but it says nothing about forgiving ourselves, because forgiving oneself is not the answer to sin. If an unbeliever forgives himself, for instance, he is still in his sin. If a believer forgives himself, he is taking the place of God. If he says, "I know God has forgiven me, but I just can't forgive myself," he is placing his own judgment above God's merciful provision.

Today I let go ...

I surrendered my pain beneath a downpour in the ebony of the moonlight

Let it envelop the darkness of unforgiven trespasses

As shoulders hunched and body wracked

Moisture of tears masked by drops of rain

Betrayed by the salty taste upon my lips

I chased away the shadows upon my plains that block the light of You

(27.11.08)

For my husband:

I oftentimes find myself staring at him.  In the beginning, whenever he would catch me, he'd always ask me, "What?"

To which I always shrugged and responded, "Nothing."

The writhing larvae of self-doubt bore their way into my brain.
My insecurities metamorphosize and take flight,
leaving a trail of waste in their wake.
I crave reassurance and it shames me,
despair plagues me and I weep.
Musky tears shed for no sake but my own.
I am overwhelmed by the smallness of my will.

You are my perfection, the cornerstone of my heart.

(26.12.07 )

never been good at chemistry
but i understand this ...
solutes and solvents
you're the sugar to my water
or perhaps i am yours to mine
either way, we melt
you into me
me into you
breathlessly
a solution
maybe a resolution
we've done this before
tumultuously
left with an acidic taste
tempered by immaturity
drenched in deception
less than seven